The well water is always 18 degrees Celsius. That is how Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga open their quietly revolutionary book, The Courage to Be Disliked. The seemingly mundane detail of water temperature becomes a metaphor for life’s constancy—it neither warms nor cools to please the one who drinks it. The authors use this imagery to set the tone for a philosophical exploration that challenges modern obsessions with external validation, approval, and the weight of the past.
Through a Socratic dialogue between a wise philosopher and a skeptical youth, Kishimi and Koga unpack the radical psychological ideas of Alfred Adler. This conversational format makes the book not just a treatise but an invitation to debate and reflect. The discussion unfolds in layers, challenging everything from our notions of happiness to how we perceive relationships.
Separation of Tasks: The Foundation of Emotional Freedom
One of the book’s cornerstones is the Adlerian concept of separating tasks. Imagine a world where you no longer agonize over whether someone likes you, approves of your work, or reciprocates your feelings. That world, Kishimi and Koga argue, is within reach if we recognize the distinction between our tasks and others’.
For the young man in the dialogue, this idea is initially baffling. Is it not human nature to care what others think? The philosopher counters with a liberating truth: each individual is responsible for their own happiness and decisions. If a colleague dislikes you, that is their task. Your task is to live authentically, unburdened by the weight of their judgment.
This concept resonates deeply in an age where social media fosters constant comparison and the validation economy thrives. By disentangling ourselves from others’ evaluations, we can reclaim emotional autonomy and act according to our values rather than public opinion.
Inferiority Complex: A Construct of Our Own Making
The young man, like so many of us, clings to his perceived inadequacies, blaming them for his stalled ambitions and thwarted dreams. The philosopher dismantles this narrative with brutal simplicity: feelings of inferiority are self-imposed. Adlerian psychology suggests that inferiority stems not from objective reality but from subjective perceptions.
In practical terms, the book proposes a shift from comparison to contribution. Instead of measuring yourself against others’ achievements, focus on how you can add value to the community. This reframing turns the specter of inadequacy into an opportunity for growth. Adler’s wisdom is clear: your value is intrinsic, not contingent on outperforming others.
The Subjectivity of Experience: The Past Does Not Define You
Perhaps the most audacious claim in The Courage to Be Disliked is that the past is irrelevant to the present. The young man bristles at this idea, citing childhood traumas and failures as irrefutable proof of their influence on his current struggles. The philosopher remains steadfast: what matters is not the past but the interpretation you choose to assign it.
This Adlerian principle stands in sharp contrast to Freudian determinism, which suggests that past experiences shape our present behavior. Kishimi and Koga invite readers to let go of the “trauma excuse” and embrace the possibility of rewriting their narrative. By reframing our experiences, we can liberate ourselves from the tyranny of memory and step boldly into the future.
Freedom and Happiness: The Courage to Be Disliked
The book’s titular courage is no small feat. Living authentically requires a willingness to be misunderstood, criticized, and even rejected. The young man repeatedly questions whether such a path is worth the loneliness it might entail. The philosopher’s answer is unwavering: true happiness lies in freedom, and freedom is impossible without courage.
This concept is especially poignant in our interconnected, approval-seeking age. We curate our lives for likes and followers, often sacrificing authenticity for acceptance. Yet, as Kishimi and Koga point out, such compromises come at the cost of genuine fulfillment. The well water does not change its temperature to suit the drinker, and neither should we.
Interpersonal Relationships: From Dominance to Equality
Adlerian psychology proposes a horizontal model of relationships, eschewing traditional hierarchies of power and authority. Whether in friendships, workplaces, or families, the goal is mutual respect and equality.
This idea is exemplified in the book’s portrayal of a healthy mentor-mentee dynamic. The philosopher does not dominate the young man but engages him as an intellectual equal, challenging and guiding him without coercion. This model, if widely adopted, could transform not just personal relationships but institutions built on rigid hierarchies.
Living in the Present: The Here and Now as Life’s Axis
Kishimi and Koga argue that happiness is not a destination but a state achievable in the present moment. This echoes the teachings of mindfulness and existentialism, yet the book’s approach is uniquely actionable. Happiness, they assert, comes from acting with intention and courage in the now—not from brooding over the past or fantasizing about the future.
For the young man, this is perhaps the hardest lesson to internalize. He, like many of us, has been conditioned to see happiness as a reward for future achievements. The philosopher patiently dismantles this illusion, urging him to find joy in contribution and community today.
Contribution to Community: A Path to Meaning
The book concludes with a call to action: contribute to the welfare of others. For Adler, this is the highest purpose of life and the surest path to happiness. By shifting our focus from self-centered ambition to communal well-being, we not only alleviate feelings of inferiority but also find a sense of belonging.
This principle challenges the prevailing ethos of individualism. In a world obsessed with personal branding and self-promotion, The Courage to Be Disliked offers a refreshing reminder that fulfillment lies in connection and service.
Conclusion: Drinking the Well Water
As the book circles back to the metaphor of well water, it leaves readers with a profound challenge: to live as the water does—unwavering in its authenticity, offering sustenance without seeking gratitude. In doing so, we can embrace the courage to be disliked and discover the freedom to be ourselves.
The Courage to Be Disliked is more than a book; it is an invitation to live boldly, authentically, and joyfully. For those willing to engage with its ideas, the rewards are transformative—a life unshackled from the chains of approval and fear.